I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
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interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.