Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
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Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Danger is very dangerous
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.