Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦