My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
One of the best
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
This was my dad’s browser history.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫