Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

Buying a well is money well spent.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again