I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
SQUARREL
Gemma Correll
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile