Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

Never forget.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Hit me in the face with a bird

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.