One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Lassie, get help!
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*