Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*