Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say