Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
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At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
like swimming in quick dry cement
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.