Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

🎵 I can’t wait to

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…