i wish we could shoplift online
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
How dramatic are you?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
