Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

The chart results are in…

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me