y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke