My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
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Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Dune (2021)
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
There’s never enough good news
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.