My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. Theyβre fine but they still work there
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, βouchβ and a few seconds later he said IβM SO SORRY RUCKUS, IβM TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Herpes is trending, good job people
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
happy halloween
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me irl
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
SCHRΓDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRΓDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I am also baked goods
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why itβs fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friendsβ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If you canβt disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanationβ¦were they really your friends in the first place?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
