It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.