My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
*files a restraining order against reality*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Support your local cemetery
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
need him
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.