The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*