Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.