Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.