Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

I am also baked goods

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.