Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf