I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
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My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
accurate
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end