Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
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I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Just a friendly reminder!
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.