me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now