Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
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*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?