Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Terribly Tuesday.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

Choose your fighter

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀