Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

The point of your 20s

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate