Worth remembering.
You Might Also Like
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Oh we’ve met.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Finally, an explanation.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or