boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Growing out my freckles.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that