Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.