My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
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Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.