I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Meow
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him