I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
You Might Also Like
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something