What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
You Might Also Like
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄