As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.