I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
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Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Love is in the air fryer.
I’m not proud
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.