My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
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While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Saw online –
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
