Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
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It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Time for evil
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
why neck hurt
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
🙅🏻
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”