If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
when a toddler tells a story
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
The sacred texts.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Care for your back
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again