I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
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Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
john wicks are toilet candles
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise