Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
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If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.