girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
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ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!