Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations