Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
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welp
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Geez man, take it easy.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal