when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.