My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.