Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

Canadian owl: Eh?

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

could’ve been anyone

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

OH. COME. ON.

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood