Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*